School of Thinking
University of Leeds
Salary: Grade 7 £31,798 – £35,788 per annum. That is to say from £11.12 per hour to £12.51 per hour if you do the expected 55 hours a week. We certainly think you should do at least that, and have told all heads of School as much recently, explaining to them that anything less could be considered ‘partial performance’.
At least you will have a good pension.
The School of Thinking seeks to appoint a new Lecturer. You will possess a good Honours and Masters degree in a relevant subject as well as a completed PhD with demonstrable relevance to high-quality teaching and expertise. Your undergraduate degree will cost you around £100,000 over the course of your life now, and you will have added significant debt on top of that to do a research degree. Lord only knows how much the MA might cost on top of that, but let’s say you’ll spend most of your life paying back around £150,000. Apparently, they say, it won’t stop you getting a mortgage, so good luck with that, but you might want to get the bus in to start with.
You will undertake high-quality research and teaching. Your research will have such impact that you will make a real difference to society: perhaps developing new cures or something. But, remember, it’s still up to you to pay back the huge debt you get for this ‘advantage’ in life. And remember, the students are paying now, so everything has to be about the teaching, OK? You’ll find time for the research. In fact, we’ll drag you into a meeting in front of three senior staff once a year to make sure you do.
You will undertake administrative tasks as reasonably requested. When we say ‘reasonably’, we mean you’ll work evenings and weekends. And you’ll pay your own expenses to come in to work on weekends to be present at open-days. And you will smile at open days. (We’re thoughtful though. We will provide you with a creche for open days if you have to spend your only free hours in the week for the family working at an open day, but we only have £38 million in our savings account, so we’ll charge you £45 for using it. Thanks.)
You might be supported in some of your administrative tasks by clerical staff, whose contract limit them to 35 hours a week, unlike yours. But even at the very bottom of grade 6 they earn £13.39 an hour, which is more than you get per hour for the top of grade 7 (see above). They can earn more, too, because we pay them more when they volunteer to work over their contractual hours, but we just expect more hours of you by default. In fact, just you try to work only 37.5 hours a week and we are perfectly within our rights to call it ‘partial performance’ and stop paying you altogether. (Yes, we know that 37.5 hours is what we have listed as expected of you in the workload model, but that is simply a popular fictional work we show to ‘well-being’ groups). But don’t worry about the clerical staff: We keep them in their place at grade 6 by some rather impossible demands for promotion to grade 7. And so after ten years, by the time you’re a few points up grade 8, you’ll be earning the same hourly wage as them. Mind you, even for some of them the 35 hours is ‘notional’. Don’t ask.
All of this may sound a challenge, and yes you will have huge debts from preparing for the profession, and get paid at half the hourly rate of a plumber,
but at least you will have a good pension. But at least you get the respect of your students.
Informal enquiries may be made to:
Professor (£18.93 per hour) R.E. Dun-Dancie
Closing date: 4th November. We anticipate interviewing all applicants for the position on 24th November. Hey, we’ll even give you travel expenses for that. Can’t say fairer.
The University is committed to equality of opportunity in employment. Yes we are. And we don’t tolerate bullying either. Unless it’s really just a ‘challenging management style’.